


The Heart Won't Lie

by APuRpLePoPtArT



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-11
Updated: 2014-03-19
Packaged: 2018-01-11 22:50:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1178896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/APuRpLePoPtArT/pseuds/APuRpLePoPtArT
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My take on how Alicia is REaLLY dealing with all this takes place after S05E12 oh yeah I don't own the characters or the song this fic is based on</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Truth of the Matter

Sitting at her desk in the new offices of Florrick/ Agos and Associates, finally, Alicia pulls herself back to reality. She's due in court a a few minutes and she doesn't have time for the drama that fills that hidden part of her mind. 

The good part about life right now is that less and less she finds herself drifting to her and Will. 

It's easy during the day to direct her mind to another place. During the day she's busy making decisions with Cary, little things like the color of the walls and carpets, what kind of coffee maker to buy, and whether or not they can afford to have a paperless office. When she's not acting as a managing partner she's clocking billable hours and acting as a litigator in Chicago courtrooms. She's heard rumors that Lockhart/Gardner or LG as the pompous ass Will calls it, is trying to expand to LA and New York. But Alicia doesn't have the time to care or worry about it during her days. Her evenings aren't any less hectic, but her evenings are happy. They are full of her daughter, Grace, and her Son, Zach. Zach is getting ready to head off to college and when he's home he's working on applications and essays. Grace is setting her eyes on the summer. It's hard for Alicia to think how grown her kids are and how much has changed in the past few months. She tries to make sure she has dinner with the kids every evening and when he's not in Springfield or fulfilling his duties as the Governor of Illinois, Peter joins them too. For those few moments around the table it seems like the unseen forces in the universe are finally pulling for the Florrick family but only during the day and only before the sun goes down. 

When the sun goes down and the night settles around Chicago, that's when it catches up to Alicia. That's when there is nowhere left to hide. When all the hustle and bustle rests, when the house falls quiet and the voices that fill her days no longer speak, the images that Alicia spends her days fighting overwhelm her. When she closes her eyes the vivid images overtake her. The images of Will's hands sliding over her bare stomach, the almost tangible feeling of his teeth as he nibbles on that secret spot on her neck. The smiles that her and Will shared when it all reached the pinnacle. She wakes from her dreams wet between her legs and a pillow wrapped in her arms a poor substitute for the man she wishes were there. But the hardest part, the part that a vibrator or a romp in sheets with her husband can't fix is the tears. There's nothing to stop the tears. If she's lucky the wine before bed helps her stay asleep, but it doesn't change the truth, the wet pillow case and puffy eyes in the morning tell her that truth. That truth is simple. She misses that morally ambiguous, basebell loving, basketball playing lawyer. No the the truth is that no matter how hard she tries. Alicia misses Will.

His days are easy too. He's a heartbroken warlord on the path to revenge. He's determined to take his firm Lockhart/Gardner or LG to the top. He's going to take Chicago first, he's going to take that pathetic excuse for a law firm Florrick/Agos and Associates and run them into the ground. When he's wiped her off the map he's going to take New York and Los Angeles by storm. 

He takes a sick pleasure in planning the ruin of the woman he considered the love of his life. He feeds the little monster that lives inside of him like a gremlin, the little monster that fuels his desire to fuck with her in the courtroom. When he objects just to object to throw her off her game; to make her jumpy waiting for the inevitable objection and derail her thought process. Yes he knows how she works and his secret is she thinks she knows him. 

When he leaves the courtroom and he leaves his office on the 28th floor it's a whole other ball game. That's when he needs her when his hate reaches its boiling point. And that's when he calls her, that tattooed blonde that makes him forget Alicia, for at least a few minutes. That's when he needs Isabel. But just like Alicia it doesn't matter who they're with or where they are when the night falls. It always loops back to secret lunches in his apartment, romantic moments in hotel rooms, and stolen moments in the bathrooms and elevators. But unlike Alicia he doesn't cry, no unlike Alicia he lets its fill him up and he uses it as fuel. He's going to destroy her and everything she has. His only hope is that when he's done the hole that was her smile will be gone, the sound of her laughter will leave him in the quiet moments. Will hopes when he's done that what is the truth now won't be the truth later, it won't be true that he misses the woman who betrayed him in every sense of the word, he hopes it won't be true that Will misses Alicia.


	2. Sins of the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this isn't too much like the first chapter but breaking up is hard to do and sometimes the days seem to repeat... flashbacks and questions

                A flash of limbs. His hands everywhere, the taste that is so unmistakably him. The exact moment when he realized she need reassurance about what they were about do. Then just as suddenly she sees his face.

                “god you’re awful”

                “and you don’t even know how awful you are.”

                “I don’t give a damn”

The last line repeats until Alicia’s eyes pop open and she feels the tears on her cheeks. More often than not the only memory she can see is the face her wore when she answered yes, the hatred mixed with the hurt. A glance at the clock lets her know that it’s okay to start her day, there’s no need to try and fail at sleeping again. There’s no need to risk falling back into her beautiful nightmares.

                She knows it will be one of those days when her courtroom opponents will be in a corner licking their wounds – she is in warrior princess mode, she’ll put on her toughest armor to protect herself from her memories. But she knows it has to stop she knows the armor is temporary and she has to figure out how to let him go. She just can’t figure out how. How do you survive breaking the heart of the one you love to break your own and save their life?

 

                “My plan is I love you.”

He sits nursing a scotch, he thinks he’s on his 5th, he’s pretty sure he’s at the bar and that Kalinda was with him, but he’s reached a point where he no longer cares. He wants to be alone with her, or the best thing available to him now, his memories of her. Questions flitter in and out of his fuzzy brain, he wants to know why. Why Peter? Why didn’t she give him a chance? Why wouldn’t they work? He doesn’t want the simple platitudes of her kids and her marriage he wants to really know why. He wants to know why she left instead of coming to him.

They would have made it work.

He would have made her stupid plans, he would have given up the romance if it meant he still had her in his life as more than a courtroom and legal adversary. He misses the touch of her skin, the smell of her shampoo, the sound of her laugh oh god the sound of her laugh, but most of all he misses his best friend. Who do you turn to when the only one that can dry your tears, is the one who made you cry?

 

 

 


	3. No Man (or Woman) is an Island

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter's done it again will Alicia stand by him again?

Goddammit! He was supposed to fix this! She wasn’t supposed to be helping her 19 year old son get ready to testify in federal court. She can’t help but think about why Peter won her loyalties in the end. Apparently banging a hooker 18 times wasn’t enough to convince her that the marriage was over and for a while she’d tried letting it go after she’d found out about him and Kalinda. Somehow though he just kept pulling her in, something with his face of an angel that he used when he needed to charm someone or wanted something out of someone. She thinks back to their fight the night Peter broke his house arrest to follow her to the taxi. She remembers the words she said

                “There is nothing to talk about! It’s all words, change, starting over, apology!”

Someday she’ll trust herself when it comes to Peter, the way she trusted herself to start her own law firm and the way she trusts herself when she makes decisions for her children. This time she feels like it’s enough. She finally wants to burn bridges and she hopes that love can build a new bridge.

 

 

                It’s just another scandal, but people forget that there are very real people behind the faces they see on the TV screen. They don’t see the wife that stood by her husband while he took his time dragging her through the mud. They don’t see the wife that just wants to go to work and win cases and make her new law firm work. But he sees it, he knows that woman that’s hiding on her way into the courtroom. He secretly admires the way the Cary tries to shield her from the cameras. When he sees her walking through the courthouse he sees the strain written on her face the strain that only the people closest to her can see. He knows that on the outside she looks like she’s doing great it’s all just rolling off her like water rolls off a ducks back, but he also knows that she hates all this, he knows she didn’t want all of this, she just wants to feel like her own person again and she wants to protect her kids and he knows she’s losing her grip on it.

                He can’t help but feel a little responsible for it, he was the one who knew about the video, he was the one who chose not to show it to Alicia and showed it to Peter instead. He told himself he was protecting her that he didn’t want to hurt her, but in the end he knows he made it worse.       

He knows she’s going to break and while on the outside and in his anger he hates her; he wonders who will be there to catch her when she falls and breaks. A little part of him, the part he is hiding with hate and covers with blind ambition, that little part hopes it will be him. 


	4. And Still

 

 

 "And still  
The world stood still  
I couldn't move  
And all I could feel  
Was this aching in my heart  
Saying I loved him still"

And Still - Reba McEntire

 

           It's been another long day in court and and even longer day avoiding the press. All Alicia wants is a bottle of wine, not just a few glasses she wants the whole damn "crack pipe." The smart ass comment brings a smile to her face and reminds her of her daughter, Grace. She decides on pizza for dinner again and while she drives to the pizza parlor she thinks someday things will slow down enough for her to fix dinner for her family. She orders their usual and as she stands at the counter to pay she glances idly around the restaurant. When she turns around she sees him. Suddenly he's there -- in all the restaurants, in all the pizza parlors in this town a population of almost 3 million people she sees him. It had to be him. When she sees him in the courtroom or in the safety of her law firm she's prepared, it's not easy but she can deal. Seeing him like this with no warning kills her, it's terrifying. She wants it to be like before when they were at least civil, she wishes it were like that now so she would know what to say to him, and she wouldn't want to crawl out a bathroom window. This isn't her, only he can do this to her. She glances around quickly slightly frantic, but there's nowhere to run nowhere to hide. Just like so many situations Alicia finds herself in these days, she's stuck. So she stares. THe ever confident, poised and unflappable, Alicia Florrick, is speechless.

 

        PIZZA! That's the only thought on his mind as he leaves the office. It seems the older he gets as all of his friends are discovering fancy new fangled diets and are trying to get healthier he's discovering that he loves the diet of his Georgetown days pizza and beer. Maybe it just means he wants the simpler times of law school funny when he thinks about that, it reminds him how in law school all he wanted was out now he'd give anything to be back in. His mind is so far in the past and locked on other things he doesn't realize it's her at first. Then like being hit by a Mack truck on the freeway doing 70 the realization slams into him. Suddenly he's frozen to the spot. God she's beautiful no matter how much he hates her he can't deny it, in fact it makes him hate her more that she can still look so beautiful when everything should be falling apart. He can't help it, every time he sees her he thinks how beautiful she is, in the courtroom when she's full of fire for her client or when she's putting judges or ASAs in their place. He thinks it every time he sees the flash of her face on the T.V. screen, but it does her no justice to see her here like this, he always thought she was the most beautiful at the end of the day when she would let out that little hidden bit of herself. He thanks whatever powers that be for the few moments that he has to stare before she see him those few moments before another awkward moment in his recent all too awkward life. He has no words but he knows he should say something.

 

        It seems to Alicia the longest span of time ever occurs in those few seconds. This is easily one of the most awkward moments in her life. She stammers, why is she stammering? She manages to get out the single word "Hi" at the same time that Will stammers out the same greeting and suddenly there's no one else in the world they are the only two people and at that very moment in the awkward silence, with the realization of what one of her best relationships has become Alicia feels the last remaining piece of her heart shatters - it'll never be the way it was, it'll never be casual and carefree like it was - without help every chance meeting would be like this -- strangers with an intimate knowledge of each other. Alicia is never more grateful of her two children than  at that moment when she can use them as an excuse. She stammers out the excuse to leave and a hurried goodbye. As she walks to her car she hopes to herself that the next time they see each other she'll have a better grasp on the situation, and maybe when she sees him again she won't feel that ache in her heart that reminds her that no matter how hard she tries, she still loves him, sure she loves her family even the bastard she's married to but some part of her was leading her in the right direction so many years ago when she fell into Will's arms and that part of her will always love him. She'll never admit it and as she cries herself to sleep that night she thinks about the conversation with her brother in their hotel room so many years ago, it seems she'll live her life -- conflicted.   


	5. A handshake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all stands on a handshake.

Three hundred people. Three hundred people just walked out of my speech and this stupid diner doesn’t have anything but beer… I want to get as Zach would say, white girl wasted, anything to forget watching all those people stand up and walk out. I’m four beers in when I see the bitchy waitress walking my way again with HIM behind her. He tries to see if there’s another table available but the only one is the one next to me. Oh goody I can add some awkward and uncomfortable silence to my meal as if I needed anything else. I remember the awkward meeting in the pizza parlor, and my resolution to figure this out with him. He orders a scotch and I’m tipsy enough to feel helpful and inform him that they only have beer, she takes his order and then we’re alone. I complain about how difficult it is to get drunk on beer. In a condescending tone he tells me I just have to try harder. I’m feeling shitty so I’m up to the challenge tonight. When he comments on my mood and assures me that it was closer to 400, in an ever so helpful tone. It’s the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back and I’m pissed off and tipsy enough to ask him straight out 

“Why do you hate me?”

The incredulous look on his face throws me and for a few seconds I wait expectantly. He enlightens me that he does not hate me it’s a feeling stronger than dislike but not as intense as hate. I look at him and I know that I really do love this man but I have no idea how we would have made it work. And at this moment I really just want my friend back I’m not worried about the rest I really miss my friend. Had this been a year ago he would have helped me get drunk and commiserated with me about my speech eh would have tried to make me laugh, I’m pretty sure he would have found me some tequila. But instead we’re here. Where ever this is. Somewhere between awkward, angry and heartbroken. As I listen it makes me even more sad, he’s still reassuring me even after everything he’s reminding me that I can be a tough competitor to him and that I’m “a big girl” I think it hurts worse than if he would have just told me he hated me. I need this man in my life and not just to fight I need this man and I need him now. The only thing that keeps me from breaking is the thought that I promised him to be there when he was “broke and lying in an alley somewhere” I’ll do something nice for him. I offer him my hand a sign of a truce, an agreement to coexist. When he takes my hand it gives me hope, we aren’t exactly where we need to be but we are where we are and at least its stable it’s something we can build on. And that’s how we stand, on a handshake. 

He follows the unpleasant waitress through the crowded restaurant. When he see the table she’s headed for it makes him stop. He turns to the waitress to ask for another table but she’s gone. And just like in the pizza parlor he’s stuck… He sits down with the menu and asks for a scotch. Helpful as ever Alicia informs him that they only have beer. You can tell she’s in a mood, he can’t really blame her considering that four hundred people walked out on her keynote speech, he obligingly corrects her when she mentions the three hundred people that walked out on her. It’s a small dig but he still takes pleasure in seeing her discomfort, he knows it’s stupid but eh it is what it is… He still not sure he heard her correctly when she asks him why he hates her even more so when she asks him why… 

“Are you serious?”

He really can’t even stop the words from coming out, he really can’t believe that she asked him that. He knows that he loves her but really is she that dense? Does she really not get it? Maybe that was his fault maybe he should have been clearer, maybe he should have told her what was in the voicemail. Maybe things would have been different. When the waitress comes back you can tell Alicia really wants to tell her off but good girl Alicia won’t do it, not until I dare her to do it, 

“If you wanna say bitch, say bitch”

I didn’t think she’d really do it, but once she does I can tell she needed to and that she kind of feels a little bit better. When she offers me her hand as a truce it takes me a moment to consider it. If she’s not mine I can’t say I want to call a truce, it’s easier to hate her than want to be with her all the time. I don’t want to touch her knowing that they’ll be a flash that will burn for days. But I take her offered hand thinking it’s a start, thinking that anywhere is better than this place we’re in. When I think about it, it’s enough, for now we stand on a handshake.


End file.
